2 more days

I have been finding myself getting slightly nervous as my surgery gets closer. You just can't help it. They have to tell you all the potential problems that could remotely happen. You know that it is unlikely but what if? What is they DO nick a nerve and my hand won't work anymore? What if they DO hit my artery and I bleed severely? What if I DO have a reaction to the medication? What if I DO DIE? Now that would suck. Just to get rid of this pain in my wrist.

I slightly rethink about it. Gee, I have lived with this pain for 3 months now steady and 3 years totally. Obviously it isn't going to kill me. Maybe I should just suck it up and live with it longer. It is after all just pain and I am pretty good at living with pain. Of course I can't lift anything over 3 pounds with this wrist, but I have a pretty strong other arm. And I can't do any fine detail work with it. I can't pull with that wrist or carry anything with that hand and the muscles are wasting away making it look like a old ladies hand but...... At least it still works, it still has blood in it. I am still alive. Breathing. A good thing. Maybe I should ......

Nope Julie don't even go there. It was these types of fears and dark thoughts that caused me to cancel this surgery 2 other times already. And my wrist has gotten so much worse. I just wish my doc didn't seem so casual. Is he really going to do the best he can do? Does he even remember what he said he was going to do as I have to remind him from visit to visit what he said last time as he keeps changing it. And I get hives everytime I have surgery. Miserable itchy all over my body hives.

Then there is the rest of it. Have you ever had a huge dressing covering your entire hand on for 5 days. It is really hard to dress. He doesn't even leave one finger out to help you hook you clothes and help pull them up. To take a shower Rick will have to wrap a plastic sack and tape it around my dressing. I will need help just getting my bra on. Of course Rick will help but I don't like feeling like a life sized chunky barbie doll. I want to do it myself. I hate not being able to care for myself. I have been practicing trying to fix my hair. He will have to hold the hair dryer while I use the brush and I used both hands to scrunch up to hair for body also while I dry it. So he will have to learn how to do that. And more personally, hygienically I use my left hand to use my tissue after...... well you know. And I am not ambidextrous that way.

When I used to play pool, and very well I might add, I taught myself to play equally well with both hands because I hated using the bridge. So I will have to just learn to do this. It is only for 5 days until the dressings come off. I can do this. I really have no choice. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?

I got my stitches out of my face yesterday. He did a lovely job. 3 tiny little stitches that the nurse had a heck of a time getting out. Now it just looks like I scratched myself and soon you won't see it at all. I haven't gotten the biopsy report yet but it should be sometime this week. The nurse said they would call. And although I am 90 % sure that is going to be OK it still bothers me just enough to effect my sleeping. Meaning I have only been averaging about 5 hours a night.

I won't be able to use my camera for awhile so we might do a photo drive today if it isn't snowing again. Terrible light lately for shooting. The sky looks just as white and washed out as the snow. Hard to get inspired. And I have to cut my son's hair. Might be awhile before he gets it done. I am the only one he will let cut it. Thrifty man that he has become since he became a home owner.

Oh well prattling on and on again. Lets see, my political rant for today.

Gee I am so glad that I, who am morally opposed to abortion, now get to globally help the entire world get one if they want it. Why can't they just tax the people who have no objections to it for that. Or the ones who voted in the man who wants to pass this law. Why do I have to pay for it. I don't agree with it. I don't want to pay. It's just not fair. It goes against my morals. AARRRGGGHHHHHHH.

There that wasn't so bad was it? Short and sweet and to the point. Well. I am off to read some journals and check out the news. World peace and Love. We are all more alike then the news makes us out to be. And for my friends over the sea. Please don't judge us all by the movies this country puts out. We really aren't all like that at all. Most of us are just honest nice people who just want to raise our families and feel no ill will toward anyone. Most of us can talk without every other word being the F word. We just want to get along. We're nice. Really!