I will be in the hospital in one of the flattering open backed gowns waiting for them to come take me to the operating room. In fact I may even be in the room getting all hooked up. Nervous..... me, heck yeah.
It has been a day since I got the big C news. I got the call yesterday at 8:30. Weirdly the radio went off the air right before the call and was just static. Then the phone rang.
I wasn't surprised to hear from the doc as he said he would call but when he told me the news I must admit my gut hurt. I wrongly assumed because I had so many things wrong with my bones that God would make sure I never had anything else to deal with, LOL. Wrong! Never try to second guess God.
Anyway I do not think he had a thing to do with this. Hours of happily riding my bike on a nice bright sunny day without wearing sunscreen is whats to blame for this little set back. Gee, I can't be a victim, no one to blame but me myself and I.
It was a gut blow though and then I did the awful never do this if you want to keep your sanity and peace of mind thing and searched the internet. Wow. Horrible photo's of holes in peoples faces from getting the cure. Because the cure is cutting it out. And this stupid thing is on my face!
Now I am no beauty queen so I can't afford any more distractions on my face. Vain? Yes in a way. I work with the public. If this was on any other place on my body I would be Cut it out Doc. Take as much out of this fat ole body that you need. Get this cancer out of me. But...... its on my face. Its on my cheek by my ear. I don't have a lot of fat there. And the facial nerves are frighteningly close under the surface. Just having the little 6 mm one cut out caused me nerve pain for a week and I still am having pain occasionally zipping across my head and right under the incision. Nerve pain sucks. Its painful. And I have ear pain from it. Whaaaaa. I really don't want to deal with it. And in my experience they don't treat pain very well unless your terminal which I am not. They didn't give me a thing except tylenol for that. So I have a sinking feeling I am going to have to deal with it. And I don't want to.
My wrist is going to be hurting and fortunately they will give me pain meds after surgery. So maybe they will help with the other.
Tuesday I see the Dermatologist. That's another thing, See you can tell am just going off in all directions here. I don't know any of these docs. I don't know if they are good. I don't know if they will care what my face looks like afterward. I never deal with them so I don't know. Being a nurse I am in the great position to kind of pick my docs based on the skills I know they have. I don't even know anyone who works for them. I will be in the dark. That doesn't cut it for this nurse. A little control is all I ask. I always felt sorry for patients that had a doc because they didn't know any better. The worse doc in town. Fortunately in my 30 years most of these doc's have been weeded out. Still. Because I know they exist I do think about it.
Bear with me hear as I am still in the reeling stage here. And I have a tendency with my journal to use it like I did my written journal so I write whatever I am feeling at the time.
Another thing that I think about. In my family we all die young. I am considered very old for my family. I made it to 54. This type of cancer seems to be most common in the 70 year old age group. So is it bad that I got it this young or since I am in my twilight years per my family tree right on target. And no one in my family dies of the same thing, except the little cardiomyopathy half the family gets. So this may be my fatal thing. My mom had encephalitis, my gramma died of the flu. My Aunt from COPD. My dad Lung cancer. My grandpa, a farm accident.
Stop it Julie..... Stop. This is just a little thing that will get taken out and you will be fine. I always react this way initially to any crisis. complete freak out and then the dealing with it stage. That comes next I promise. I just have to get past this stage. Did you know they said that these things are like icebergs. Whats under the skin is usually much larger then what come to the top. Like the tip of the iceberg. And is it a bad thing it grew so fast? So tell me your I had this and it was nothing stories to calm me down. And I promise not to google it anymore. OK.
8 comments:
Write whatever you like here. that is what we are here for. we are here to support you thru thick & thin. the good, the bad, & ugly of all things. this is always a great place to relieve stress..HUGZ~kbear
You are in my prayers for a successful surgery, quick and minimally invasive treatment of your skin cancer, and a long happy life. Hugs
will keep you in my thoughts and Prayers ~ Ally x
So sorry you have so much to deal with at the moment. Will be thinking of you tomorrow and will keep you in my prayers. Love Joan
Julie, you're in my prayers for your surgery and quick recovery. I'm sure you can talk to a plastic surgeon about any damage they do removing the cancer...and you'll be around for that plastic surgeon to do his magic...and MAKE them give you pain meds!!!
I understand your way of thinking, Julie. I am like that, too. I always think the worst, but most of the time things won't be nearly as bad as we think. And I agree with Vicki, if they leave a big hole, just see a plastic surgeon, and get that hole fixed. All the best on your surgery tomorrow, too. You will also be in my prayers. As I said before, there can never be too many prayers.
Julie you have a lot of people backing you praying that both your surgeries will be a success. I think the outcome will be good on both of them. You do find a lot of things to worry you about when you start searching the internet trying to find answers. I pray that both your doctors will be good ones and will get you back on track soon. Hugs, Helen
"So tell me you had this and it was nothing stories to calm me down."
Julie, as I read I felt and understood your concern and worry for I have been there too. And, yes, they sometimes take a bit but that is a good thing for it takes away the bad stuff and that is your priority right now. I had a bunch of bad 'C' cells removed from my nose in 2006 and they patched it up with a skin graft from my ear! Not a problem at all and actually it doesn't even look that bad, really, and its rather sizable too. Sometimes I have to point it out to people for they don't often notice it. It is amazing what can be done. The only downside for me is that I love the sun and I don't look good in hats!:-( but that's a minor downside. Good luck and all the best thoughts for you, and remember, sun screen forever. I'll be thinking of you.
ann
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