Life Without Zoey

 

  It has almost been 2 weeks since Zoey passed.   Slowly I am getting used to not having her furry self to greet us at the door and beg at our table.   It has been difficult.

    The day after Zoey went to the Rainbow bridge I was eating my breakfast and just automatically saved her a bite and looked to where she would lie waiting.   No Zoey.   I could almost see her.   If you caught her begging she would hurry up and look away,  "I'm not begging", and then as soon as you looked away her face would turn to you again and her soft brown eyes would burn into you, mentally reminding you that she was there and waiting.

   Xena spent the first 3 days going from room to room and meowing at the top of her voice.   Day and night.   She has started sitting on our laps and sleeping in our bed.   Something she never did before.   She has started to settled down but I found her sleeping with one of Zoey's toys.   Weird.   She always liked Zoey much more then Zoey liked her.

    Yesterday I finally put Zoey's leash and treat jar away.   That was ridiculously difficult.  I know in my mind what is final but my heart still wants her to come in and nudge the jar with her nose.

   On the back door are some dirty smudges from years of Zoey using her nose to push the door open.   I know I will tackle cleaning them off some day.  But not yet.

    I bury my nose in Xena's fur and can remember how nice Zoey smelled.   But Xena is not the same.  Xena has also taken to following me from room to room like Zoey did, weird.

   I miss the way Zoey would greet you by shoving her face between you legs, forcing you to stop and reach down and pet her and scratch her under her arms.   She loved that and so did I.

   We had steak last night.   It seemed wrong to just toss the scraps.  What a waste.

   Tuesday we are expecting the urn we ordered.  Zoey's face will be laser cut on it.   Rick wants to save the ashed in the urn,  someday she will be put to rest with us.  If you have never had a beloved pet this will seem weird,  we are careful who we tell that to.  But for those that know what it is like you will understand.  It just seems right.

   So slowly we are adjusting.  It has the same feeling when Betty and Merle passed.

2016

2016

      We went and saw the movie yesterday.   If you want to truly be informed about who you voted for and if you're thinking of voting for him again,  see the movie.

R.I.P. Zoey

Photo contest

   I recently found a new, for me, place for photo contest.   They have free competitions and some you pay to enter.  Most of the entries fees are only 3 dollars.   I know we have several budding and professional photographers that blog so thought I would share the link if you don't already have it.  I have several photographs entered but there are thousands of great shots.  Check out I Shot It.

   Zoey had a good weekend.   She is weak and has lost a lot of weight but still is eating anything and everything we put in front of her.   We go to the vet today.  We spend mornings and evenings outside since it is cooler and let her wander around and sniff.  She seems content to lie on the grass and look around.   I think the vet will be shocked to see how much weight she has lost and I am anxious to weight her and see also.  

  A friend of mine is going through the same thing with her dog.  In my absence from blogging while everyone was living here I missed the passing of many of my blogging friends pets.  I am sorry about that and my sympathies to you all.  I know how hard it is.  Hugs to you all.  Hopefully they will all meet at the rainbow bridge.

Bad Days

 Zoey and us had a bad night last night.    We went out to eat since she was doing about the same and when we got home once again she was having a hard time walking.   We helped her outside and then back in,  her legs kept crossing and she had trouble staying on her feet.   As I stroked her fur I couldn't help but feel how much weight she has dropped in just 1 week.  Her eyes were wide and panicky looking.


  I had talked to the vet earlier and we decided she might be having pain so I had picked up some pain meds.  I gave her one and we sat on the floor and comforted her.   Telling her what a good girl she was and had always been.  I called my sons and they both came over with my sobbing grandchildren and we sat on the floor and petted and hugged the pet we loved.


  In about 40 minutes her eyes were relaxed and we could tell her pain med had kicked in.  And then we couldn't believe it when she wanted her treats.  The ones she always gets when it is 7:30.  We were late and she wanted them.   She happily ate them and then walked across the room, steady on her feet again.  Thank god there are meds that will make her feel better.


  My vet still is pushing to do the surgery on her.  But I was thinking.  If I was in my high 80's to 90's and I had a cancer that couldn't be cured and I couldn't voice my opinion I would hope my sons would tell the doctor to keep me comfortable.  That is what I know I would want and we think it is what Zoey would want.  We are definitely not going to put her through that.

   My grandchildren leave in 2 days.   We are hoping with the pain meds she will be comfortable and do well until they leave and then we will be making that call we don't want to make.  We both pray she will maybe go in her sleep at our side.  But either way it won't be long.

   I told the kids at the rainbow bridge Zoey will be able to throw her collar away and run with the other dogs, sniffing all the new smells and going where she wants.  And then someday when we meet again she will run up, her tail wagging and that goofy smile on her face and we will all rejoice at our reunion.  

   This morning she is still slightly unsteady but her breathing is easy and she doesn't appear to be in any pain.  I will give her another pain med shortly to make sure it doesn't come back.  And we promised her we wouldn't let her suffer.  So if it means even if the grandchildren are here when it is time we will do what is right.

Helping the kids cope

 

           Most of the grandchildren will be gone by the time Zoey goes.  Unless it happens this week.   The oldest left Sunday and the 2 middle go back to Philly this weekend.   Sophie will be the only one here.  The youngest and most attached to Zoey since they lived her for over a year and bonded.  We are all in that anticipatory grieving stage.  We know whats coming.  Kids hurt when a pet die.  They get over it faster but it is just as painful.   So yesterday I had them write letters about what things did they like about Zoey.   Boy I tell you............ having them read them to me was a tearjerker.  Our plan is to light a Japanese lantern if the weather isn't to dry with the letters in to fly to heaven and meet Zoey at the Rainbow bridge.   I also read them the poem,  the rainbow bridge.  It is going to be hard enough on all of us and if I can make it any easier I will try.   What has worked for my fellow bloggers to prepare children?  Fortunately they are not real young anymore.

    I then researched a site about how do you know when the time has come to  put you dog to rest.    It was a great article and has a numbering system to judge your dogs quality of life.   Add up Zoey's quality of life score I came up with an 8.  It means it's time.   I want Rick to check it out and see if he scores it same.  The article is on this site.  Nature's Corner.     

  It is a great article and discussed the most humane way to euthanize a pet.  I hate that word by the way.  Sigh.  But it has given me more food for thought.

   We are rapidly getting to the point that we have to make a decision soon.   Zoey had a miserable weekend.   The steroids make her extremely thirsty.   We have a big boy automatic waterier and we have had to fill it 3 to 4 times a day.  She just stands there drinking and drinking and drinking.   And every 2 hours she needs out.  All night long.  All day long.

   Yesterday it was 104 out.   Very hot.  Zoey was panting so hard and so fast I thought she would collapse.  Her stools and loose and runny because she is drinking a few gallons a day.  Her tummy is all full and bloated looking.  And after she noses her treat jar for a biscuit she collapses in a heap until the next potty break. This can't be good on her bad heart!

   I am calling the vet today to see about taking her off the steroid early.   It's side effects are to hard on my poor baby.  If it was going to cure her..............  but it is not.  It is making her worse and miserable.  I have already started to taper her off already,  but I really like my vet,  I know when I ask him he will suggest it also.  Then maybe I can get the lab results. The final pieces to the puzzle

     Zoey spends all of her time laying.   She used to also follow us from room to room and lay at our feet.  Not always now.  The hundreds of times I have tripped over and stepped over.  Such bittersweet memories when they aren't there.

 

Hemangiosarcoma, doesn't that even sound ugly

   I don't even like the sound of this ugly cancer and what it is doing to my beautiful dog makes me sick.   I hate cancer.


   It has been 3 days now to let the news sink in.   3 days of looking at Zoey and choking back tears.   We told the kids and grandchildren and they all came over to Zoe Zoe.   The youngest threw her arms around Zoey and cried.   I don't want her to Die!   Of course I started to bawl also and in the middle of them lie Zoey thinking, what the heck is wrong with all these humans?


   Now that we know what it is I can't look at Zoey's cute little pot belly the same way.  She is getting pot bellied because of this crazy tumor growing on her spleen.   Nothing cute about it.  And I swear it looks bigger every day.  She has this spot on her back that if you touch it it makes her back legs twitch and she wants to scratch.  We used to scratch her there and laugh.   The Vet showed us if you touch a dog here and get a reaction, its the stomach, here its the liver, and here and he touched Zoey and she flinched, is the spleen.  But now we could tell it really bothered her to be touched there.   So Zoey has a off limit spot and all the kids have sworn to never touch her there again.


  Already in such a short time our lives are different.   Rick and I are not on any meds.   Zoey is now on 4 twice a day.   She takes her thyroid med first thing on an empty stomach.  Then she takes carafate to protect her stomach from the steroid.  If she gets the carafate down, then she gets her steroid.  And last but not least she gets a med for bladder control.  This is great because the steroids make her drink gallons of water a day and last time she was on them she lost her bladder control.   Now we have to take her out about every 2 hours, but my newly washed carpets are still clean.   Zoey is so good all I have to do is put them in the palm of my hand and she licks them up.   Just more treats to Zoey.


   The things you do for a beloved old dog.  Zoey has been having loose stools for a couple of weeks.   We didn't know why before but now we do.  Darn cancer.  So we also have to go out with wet ones and clean her up before she comes in the house.   She hates that.  We aren't to thrilled with it either,  but it has to be done.


   Zoey had slowed way down as she got older but now it seems she spends hours sleeping.   And panting.  So loud we can hear her from the other room.   She doesn't seem to be in any pain but dogs don't really show it except for subtle signs.  Maybe not moving much is one of them.  I just don't know.   I sure hope not.


   I have been reading everything I can on this monster in her belly.   Rethinking about maybe having her get the surgery after all.   If her spleen starts bleeding it will be painful.  How could it not be.    Now we think maybe we will have the surgery.   If it benign taking it out will buy us more time to enjoy her.  It is is cancer that has spread we will tell them to just not wake her up from the surgery.  Maybe a lot of the problems she has been having is due to the tumor and they would all go away if we had it removed.  Maybe maybe maybe.


   The cost is terrible.  But I got a surprise check in the mail.  Turns out it would be just enough to cover her surgery.  Makes me sure there is a higher power out there.  Every time we have some financial emergency though out our lives somehow we had just managed to come into some money.   Maybe this is a sign to go ahead.   Or maybe it just to help of re-coop after the first round of bills.  Either way it will help us make the decision not based on the cost but on what is best for Zoey.  Thank you God.


   Last night she sat near by and leaned in close for some loving.  As I stroked her beautiful head and soft coat the tears just ran down my face.   Having a pet is the most wonderful thing,  sharing your life with a great dog, who is always always always happy and thrilled to see you.  Who doesn't care what you look like,  who greets you with thumping tail even if you just went out to water the flowers.  The joys of the last 13 years makes this time easier.  I wouldn't not do it just because this is the inevitable way this always turn outs in the end.  It is this way with all living things.  Would you go through live not loving to prevent this sorrow from touching you.   That would be sad and lonely.  We are blessed and lucky to have her in our life.   Like she was always there for me when I was sick or recovering from surgery, we will be there for her.

   So as usual when I am sad or need to come to terms with things I turn to this journal.  Not caring if it is read but needing to get my feeling down to come to terms with them.  Going through all the stages of grief I know very well by now.   Steeling myself up for what will come.  So swift the times goes.  Way to fast.