Hemangiosarcoma, doesn't that even sound ugly

   I don't even like the sound of this ugly cancer and what it is doing to my beautiful dog makes me sick.   I hate cancer.


   It has been 3 days now to let the news sink in.   3 days of looking at Zoey and choking back tears.   We told the kids and grandchildren and they all came over to Zoe Zoe.   The youngest threw her arms around Zoey and cried.   I don't want her to Die!   Of course I started to bawl also and in the middle of them lie Zoey thinking, what the heck is wrong with all these humans?


   Now that we know what it is I can't look at Zoey's cute little pot belly the same way.  She is getting pot bellied because of this crazy tumor growing on her spleen.   Nothing cute about it.  And I swear it looks bigger every day.  She has this spot on her back that if you touch it it makes her back legs twitch and she wants to scratch.  We used to scratch her there and laugh.   The Vet showed us if you touch a dog here and get a reaction, its the stomach, here its the liver, and here and he touched Zoey and she flinched, is the spleen.  But now we could tell it really bothered her to be touched there.   So Zoey has a off limit spot and all the kids have sworn to never touch her there again.


  Already in such a short time our lives are different.   Rick and I are not on any meds.   Zoey is now on 4 twice a day.   She takes her thyroid med first thing on an empty stomach.  Then she takes carafate to protect her stomach from the steroid.  If she gets the carafate down, then she gets her steroid.  And last but not least she gets a med for bladder control.  This is great because the steroids make her drink gallons of water a day and last time she was on them she lost her bladder control.   Now we have to take her out about every 2 hours, but my newly washed carpets are still clean.   Zoey is so good all I have to do is put them in the palm of my hand and she licks them up.   Just more treats to Zoey.


   The things you do for a beloved old dog.  Zoey has been having loose stools for a couple of weeks.   We didn't know why before but now we do.  Darn cancer.  So we also have to go out with wet ones and clean her up before she comes in the house.   She hates that.  We aren't to thrilled with it either,  but it has to be done.


   Zoey had slowed way down as she got older but now it seems she spends hours sleeping.   And panting.  So loud we can hear her from the other room.   She doesn't seem to be in any pain but dogs don't really show it except for subtle signs.  Maybe not moving much is one of them.  I just don't know.   I sure hope not.


   I have been reading everything I can on this monster in her belly.   Rethinking about maybe having her get the surgery after all.   If her spleen starts bleeding it will be painful.  How could it not be.    Now we think maybe we will have the surgery.   If it benign taking it out will buy us more time to enjoy her.  It is is cancer that has spread we will tell them to just not wake her up from the surgery.  Maybe a lot of the problems she has been having is due to the tumor and they would all go away if we had it removed.  Maybe maybe maybe.


   The cost is terrible.  But I got a surprise check in the mail.  Turns out it would be just enough to cover her surgery.  Makes me sure there is a higher power out there.  Every time we have some financial emergency though out our lives somehow we had just managed to come into some money.   Maybe this is a sign to go ahead.   Or maybe it just to help of re-coop after the first round of bills.  Either way it will help us make the decision not based on the cost but on what is best for Zoey.  Thank you God.


   Last night she sat near by and leaned in close for some loving.  As I stroked her beautiful head and soft coat the tears just ran down my face.   Having a pet is the most wonderful thing,  sharing your life with a great dog, who is always always always happy and thrilled to see you.  Who doesn't care what you look like,  who greets you with thumping tail even if you just went out to water the flowers.  The joys of the last 13 years makes this time easier.  I wouldn't not do it just because this is the inevitable way this always turn outs in the end.  It is this way with all living things.  Would you go through live not loving to prevent this sorrow from touching you.   That would be sad and lonely.  We are blessed and lucky to have her in our life.   Like she was always there for me when I was sick or recovering from surgery, we will be there for her.

   So as usual when I am sad or need to come to terms with things I turn to this journal.  Not caring if it is read but needing to get my feeling down to come to terms with them.  Going through all the stages of grief I know very well by now.   Steeling myself up for what will come.  So swift the times goes.  Way to fast.