Bad Days

 Zoey and us had a bad night last night.    We went out to eat since she was doing about the same and when we got home once again she was having a hard time walking.   We helped her outside and then back in,  her legs kept crossing and she had trouble staying on her feet.   As I stroked her fur I couldn't help but feel how much weight she has dropped in just 1 week.  Her eyes were wide and panicky looking.


  I had talked to the vet earlier and we decided she might be having pain so I had picked up some pain meds.  I gave her one and we sat on the floor and comforted her.   Telling her what a good girl she was and had always been.  I called my sons and they both came over with my sobbing grandchildren and we sat on the floor and petted and hugged the pet we loved.


  In about 40 minutes her eyes were relaxed and we could tell her pain med had kicked in.  And then we couldn't believe it when she wanted her treats.  The ones she always gets when it is 7:30.  We were late and she wanted them.   She happily ate them and then walked across the room, steady on her feet again.  Thank god there are meds that will make her feel better.


  My vet still is pushing to do the surgery on her.  But I was thinking.  If I was in my high 80's to 90's and I had a cancer that couldn't be cured and I couldn't voice my opinion I would hope my sons would tell the doctor to keep me comfortable.  That is what I know I would want and we think it is what Zoey would want.  We are definitely not going to put her through that.

   My grandchildren leave in 2 days.   We are hoping with the pain meds she will be comfortable and do well until they leave and then we will be making that call we don't want to make.  We both pray she will maybe go in her sleep at our side.  But either way it won't be long.

   I told the kids at the rainbow bridge Zoey will be able to throw her collar away and run with the other dogs, sniffing all the new smells and going where she wants.  And then someday when we meet again she will run up, her tail wagging and that goofy smile on her face and we will all rejoice at our reunion.  

   This morning she is still slightly unsteady but her breathing is easy and she doesn't appear to be in any pain.  I will give her another pain med shortly to make sure it doesn't come back.  And we promised her we wouldn't let her suffer.  So if it means even if the grandchildren are here when it is time we will do what is right.

Helping the kids cope

 

           Most of the grandchildren will be gone by the time Zoey goes.  Unless it happens this week.   The oldest left Sunday and the 2 middle go back to Philly this weekend.   Sophie will be the only one here.  The youngest and most attached to Zoey since they lived her for over a year and bonded.  We are all in that anticipatory grieving stage.  We know whats coming.  Kids hurt when a pet die.  They get over it faster but it is just as painful.   So yesterday I had them write letters about what things did they like about Zoey.   Boy I tell you............ having them read them to me was a tearjerker.  Our plan is to light a Japanese lantern if the weather isn't to dry with the letters in to fly to heaven and meet Zoey at the Rainbow bridge.   I also read them the poem,  the rainbow bridge.  It is going to be hard enough on all of us and if I can make it any easier I will try.   What has worked for my fellow bloggers to prepare children?  Fortunately they are not real young anymore.

    I then researched a site about how do you know when the time has come to  put you dog to rest.    It was a great article and has a numbering system to judge your dogs quality of life.   Add up Zoey's quality of life score I came up with an 8.  It means it's time.   I want Rick to check it out and see if he scores it same.  The article is on this site.  Nature's Corner.     

  It is a great article and discussed the most humane way to euthanize a pet.  I hate that word by the way.  Sigh.  But it has given me more food for thought.

   We are rapidly getting to the point that we have to make a decision soon.   Zoey had a miserable weekend.   The steroids make her extremely thirsty.   We have a big boy automatic waterier and we have had to fill it 3 to 4 times a day.  She just stands there drinking and drinking and drinking.   And every 2 hours she needs out.  All night long.  All day long.

   Yesterday it was 104 out.   Very hot.  Zoey was panting so hard and so fast I thought she would collapse.  Her stools and loose and runny because she is drinking a few gallons a day.  Her tummy is all full and bloated looking.  And after she noses her treat jar for a biscuit she collapses in a heap until the next potty break. This can't be good on her bad heart!

   I am calling the vet today to see about taking her off the steroid early.   It's side effects are to hard on my poor baby.  If it was going to cure her..............  but it is not.  It is making her worse and miserable.  I have already started to taper her off already,  but I really like my vet,  I know when I ask him he will suggest it also.  Then maybe I can get the lab results. The final pieces to the puzzle

     Zoey spends all of her time laying.   She used to also follow us from room to room and lay at our feet.  Not always now.  The hundreds of times I have tripped over and stepped over.  Such bittersweet memories when they aren't there.

 

Hemangiosarcoma, doesn't that even sound ugly

   I don't even like the sound of this ugly cancer and what it is doing to my beautiful dog makes me sick.   I hate cancer.


   It has been 3 days now to let the news sink in.   3 days of looking at Zoey and choking back tears.   We told the kids and grandchildren and they all came over to Zoe Zoe.   The youngest threw her arms around Zoey and cried.   I don't want her to Die!   Of course I started to bawl also and in the middle of them lie Zoey thinking, what the heck is wrong with all these humans?


   Now that we know what it is I can't look at Zoey's cute little pot belly the same way.  She is getting pot bellied because of this crazy tumor growing on her spleen.   Nothing cute about it.  And I swear it looks bigger every day.  She has this spot on her back that if you touch it it makes her back legs twitch and she wants to scratch.  We used to scratch her there and laugh.   The Vet showed us if you touch a dog here and get a reaction, its the stomach, here its the liver, and here and he touched Zoey and she flinched, is the spleen.  But now we could tell it really bothered her to be touched there.   So Zoey has a off limit spot and all the kids have sworn to never touch her there again.


  Already in such a short time our lives are different.   Rick and I are not on any meds.   Zoey is now on 4 twice a day.   She takes her thyroid med first thing on an empty stomach.  Then she takes carafate to protect her stomach from the steroid.  If she gets the carafate down, then she gets her steroid.  And last but not least she gets a med for bladder control.  This is great because the steroids make her drink gallons of water a day and last time she was on them she lost her bladder control.   Now we have to take her out about every 2 hours, but my newly washed carpets are still clean.   Zoey is so good all I have to do is put them in the palm of my hand and she licks them up.   Just more treats to Zoey.


   The things you do for a beloved old dog.  Zoey has been having loose stools for a couple of weeks.   We didn't know why before but now we do.  Darn cancer.  So we also have to go out with wet ones and clean her up before she comes in the house.   She hates that.  We aren't to thrilled with it either,  but it has to be done.


   Zoey had slowed way down as she got older but now it seems she spends hours sleeping.   And panting.  So loud we can hear her from the other room.   She doesn't seem to be in any pain but dogs don't really show it except for subtle signs.  Maybe not moving much is one of them.  I just don't know.   I sure hope not.


   I have been reading everything I can on this monster in her belly.   Rethinking about maybe having her get the surgery after all.   If her spleen starts bleeding it will be painful.  How could it not be.    Now we think maybe we will have the surgery.   If it benign taking it out will buy us more time to enjoy her.  It is is cancer that has spread we will tell them to just not wake her up from the surgery.  Maybe a lot of the problems she has been having is due to the tumor and they would all go away if we had it removed.  Maybe maybe maybe.


   The cost is terrible.  But I got a surprise check in the mail.  Turns out it would be just enough to cover her surgery.  Makes me sure there is a higher power out there.  Every time we have some financial emergency though out our lives somehow we had just managed to come into some money.   Maybe this is a sign to go ahead.   Or maybe it just to help of re-coop after the first round of bills.  Either way it will help us make the decision not based on the cost but on what is best for Zoey.  Thank you God.


   Last night she sat near by and leaned in close for some loving.  As I stroked her beautiful head and soft coat the tears just ran down my face.   Having a pet is the most wonderful thing,  sharing your life with a great dog, who is always always always happy and thrilled to see you.  Who doesn't care what you look like,  who greets you with thumping tail even if you just went out to water the flowers.  The joys of the last 13 years makes this time easier.  I wouldn't not do it just because this is the inevitable way this always turn outs in the end.  It is this way with all living things.  Would you go through live not loving to prevent this sorrow from touching you.   That would be sad and lonely.  We are blessed and lucky to have her in our life.   Like she was always there for me when I was sick or recovering from surgery, we will be there for her.

   So as usual when I am sad or need to come to terms with things I turn to this journal.  Not caring if it is read but needing to get my feeling down to come to terms with them.  Going through all the stages of grief I know very well by now.   Steeling myself up for what will come.  So swift the times goes.  Way to fast.

Zoey Again

   We went out to eat last night and had a great time.  Came home and took the dogs out.  We were babysitting our son's new dog Teddy.

  He's a good little dog and gets along with Zoey and Xena.  Such a soft coat.   So anyway, we were walking Zoey and all of a sudden she starts walking like she downed a fifth of whiskey.  She staggered and fell all over the yard and couldn't get her balance.   Finally she just laid down and looked at us like " what's the hell going on?


   Of course we are shocked and and are also asking.  What the hell is going on Zoey?   My heart fell with a thud in my chest and we helped her inside and called the vet.  Within a hour we were at the vets and Zoey was once again walking, although not completely steady and the doctor drew blood and did an exam where he found a large abdominal tumor.   Zoey's cancer is back big time.


   The next day, today, we returned to the vet for xray's and the doctor told us she has a large, grapefruit size tumor of her spleen  (Hemangiosarcoma) and her liver is  affected.   Her heart murmur is now a grade 3.   But after the steroid shot from the night before Zoey looked good again.   She ate normally and was walking better.   This is common, they bleed and collapse then when the  bleeding stops they can appear normal.  And the good news, is there any good news in this?, is she isn't in any pain.   So now the big decision.   Do we have surgery to remove the tumor and see how far it has spread?   Even with surgery most dogs do not survive 3 months after the surgery.  And another unfortunate thing for us to consider,  the cost.  Between $800 to 1000 dollars.   Yikes.


   If Zoey were a young healthy dog I would say go for it.  But she is 13 and a half.   Her heart is bad and her thyroid is shot.  Her hearing is going.   For the most part she looks great.  But in reality she is getting old.   


   I looked up a site that listed all of these symptoms.

• Weight loss
• Weakness
• Lameness
• Intermittent collapse
• Muscle incoordination (ataxia)
• Partial loss of movement (paresis)
• Seizures
• Dementia
• Pale mucous membranes
• Rapid heartbeat (tachycardia)
• Abdominal (peritoneal) fluid
• Palpable abdominal mass
• Acute blood loss (often fatal)
•  
•    Zoey has almost every single one.   No seizures but all the other which we contributed to so many other things.   But in the back of our minds was always Has the Cancer returned.   And it can start as a skin cancer...........  like Zoey had.
•  
•   There is good news.  Usually when the dogs collapse they experience no pain.   When and if they come around they can seem as good as new.   So for now she isn't suffering except she keeps falling when she walks.   Death is usually peaceful and quick.  
•  
•    We still have to wait for all the blood work to come back. But for now we are going to let her have whatever she wants, she loved the porterhouse steak, LOL.   And we are going to pet her and love her and hope for the best, but are getting prepared for the worse.  And of course we are crying and my heart has shattered into a million pieces.   And I think we have decided against the surgery which might make her last few weeks or months painful.  She deserves that.

Blogging with a Cat

  Blogging with a cat, so different then with a dog.   It has been about 20 years since I had a cat.  They are soooo different then dogs.
   When I am blogging or working on the computer it is normal for Zoey to be laying at my feet.   I am used to stepping over her a 100 times a day.  But a cat...........

     A cat is nimble and also likes to be where you are at.   Which means she sits on the computer desk right in front of the screen.  She wanders around and chases the pointer.  Sticks her face in your coffee and steps all over the keyboards typing her own messages 7ln=D./'][*&&

       I sit there brushing her off the desk and she bounces right back up.  So I crane my neck looking around her and over her.   She picks up my ink pen and I take that away so she grabs the paper.
Meow Meow Meow...........

Zoey sits at my feet and looks at me.  You're the one who decided to keep her.  Now you know how I feel when she attacks my tail.   She seems to be grinning and enjoying the show.

   Yup, cats are different then dogs.   But even with her annoying ways I find her fun and amusing.  She definitely adds to the chaos we have been living with these past few months.   I don't think quiet will be as fun anymore.

Where the heck are my grandchildren and why are you taking a nap?

   So working nights I have to sleep days, got to get the ole beauty sleep.   And yesterday I slept like dream.   I remember waking up and being surprised the kids had been so quiet I was able to sleep well and long,  just like BG, before grandchildren, days.  Hummmm grampa must have taken them to the store.


   I get out of bed and the older grandchild is sitting there lost in a video game.   "Where are the rest of the kids? I asked.   "I dunno" he muttered without looking up.   I looked out the back window,  no children.   "Where's Rick? I asked next.   "I dunno" he said in annoyance at being interrupted from blowing something up twice.


   Slipping into my croc's I went outside and looked around.   Both cars are here.  I listen,  no noise.   The pool is covered, not swimming.  The bikes are all there.  So back in the house.   In the back spare room,  gosh its nice its a spare room again,  I find the ole grandpa taking a nap.  What the heck!  GRRRRRR.   Back outside.  WHERE ARE MY GRANDBABIES AND HOW COME NO ONE IS WATCHING THEM!


    I holler the oldest name and happily get a faint reply.   Come home I bellow like a crazy woman.  Sheesh, from sleeping to hollering like a crazy woman all in the span of 4 minutes.   So 2 of them come into view, the oldest girl was down the street visiting the cute boy she is not to see without an adult around.  Slow burn.


   "Where's your little sister? I ask.   "Didn't she come home? my granddaughter slowly asked, it finally dawning on her that she may be in more then a little bit of trouble.  I like to wake up slow, sip a cup of coffee,  catch up on emails,  not leap out of bed and be contemplating calling an Amber alert!


   "You go right next door and see if she is there young lady and then I want all of you back here pronto".  I pace on my baked dying yard waiting for them to come and my granddaughter once again arrives alone.   "No one answered when I knocked" she said.  What!  WHAT!  By this time Rick had come out looking sheepish and worried that he had done the old man caught napping thing resulting in the loss of my precious youngest granddaughter thing.  


   The both of you,  GO FIND HER.  Being I was still in my sleeping clothes.  My stomach in knots and then sagging with relief when they all came back with the missing granddaughter.  Who had been over next door when she wasn't suppose too.


    They all looked at me, guilty glances and the little one starting to tear up.  I suppose I am sight to see, uncombed hair, wild eyes.  And muttering.  Man, I already raised one family, why the heck am I going through this again.   


  After a nice stern talking too,  do you know there are children that go missing all the time,  I have to know where you all and you are not to be splitting up and sneaking off ever again,  I finally calmed down and then beings I am a gramma,  made them all root beer floats.  So..........  when does school start again?

Nook Tablet

 So I changed my mine on the Nook.  I always said I didn't want one because I wanted to support Libraries and authors.    But............ turns out I am still supporting them.  With my new Nook tablet I can buy books from my favorite authors and even borrow books from my library or friends.   

   So I bought me a Nook tablet for my birthday.   Early I know but when I make up my mind I want it now, LOL.   I got it yesterday and have been spending the day getting finding out how to use it.    I have a tracfone,   cheep and easy.  No smart phone and expensive costs for me.  I don't like talking on the phone anyway.  So my son who always has the latest and greatest phones set up my Nook in about 10 sec where it would have taken me an hour or so.  I am not used to the touch screens and pinching etc.   But after messing around with it last night and this morning I now have books at my fingertips and movies, the web, newspapers, games.   It's really fun.  And the books are reasonable.  So fun fun, something new.

   Other things that are new.   My son and his family bought a house and moved out last Saturday.   I have my house back.  Wow, after a year it seems empty.  But nice.  6 other people living here was chaotic and noisy not to mention with one bathroom trying at times.   I am happy for them.   Our goal was to let them stay here until they got back on their feet and it seems to have worked.  I hope it all goes well for them and they are still close.   During the week I still have the 4 kids here to keep me busy.  But our nights, when I am not working are our own.  We can use the pool without 4 to 6 kids in it.  My storage space is back and I imagine all my utility bills will go way down not to mention my food bills.

   It was fun though.  I will really miss Sophia who was here most.   The furry critters miss her also.  But she got the dog she has dreamed of having for as long as I have known her.  She is one happy little girl.  And my 2 grandchildren from Philly are here for the summer.  It has been fun.

    I have gone an entire year without breaking anything or needing surgery.  Happy happy joy joy.  The weather finally cooled down and my tomatoes are looking good.  What more could a woman want.

  

   So I hear you can lend and borrow books on your nook.  Anyone have one and now how it works?

   The cat has really become a member of the family,  she is so sweet but so playful.  Zoey's tail is looking pretty ragged because the cat likes to play with it.  Zoey puts up with it for awhile and then turns her big head and barks really loud at the cat who in turns leaps straight up in the hair and tears off.  Fun to watch.   Zoey is doing pretty good lately.  Occasionally she has bad days but more good days then bad at this time. 

    So now that I have my computer room back and time on my hands I hope to start getting to read the blogs again.  I think I can on my nook,  my next thing to figure out.  I hear you can learn anything you need to know about using it on youtube so I will be checking that out.  Hope all are doing well and enjoying your summer.