Todays the day

I am up and dressed at this unforgivable hour. Hair looks a real mess but ready to go.


Rick is in the shower and then he gets to have coffee, I get nothing, sigh. We have to be at the hospital at 6. My surgery is at 8. I have done my meditations and feel pretty relaxed right now.


Thank you each and everyone for your prayers and good thoughts. I am hoping to be back here around 12 but don't know when I will be able to type. I can do it one handed but who knows how I will feel. We shall see. So for now. Bye everyone and once again, thanks.

Great article

The above web site has a great article on the stimulus plan being put forth by our government. To see what they want to spend out money on, things that are snuck in there like erotic art, national malls, etc. click on the photo above. Because sneakery is being done here. This is just unbelievable what is being proposed. So..... since I am looking for things to distract me I have been spending my morning email the elected officials and letting them know I am NOT HAPPY.
Since I have never voted a straight ticket, although I try to vote straight conservative, I feel very free to email them all. And you too. Because if you don't think this is going to effect you, your wrong. So go visit Kevin Jackson and while your their maybe check out his radio program. I love people who make sense.

At this time tomorrow

I will be in the hospital in one of the flattering open backed gowns waiting for them to come take me to the operating room. In fact I may even be in the room getting all hooked up. Nervous..... me, heck yeah.

It has been a day since I got the big C news. I got the call yesterday at 8:30. Weirdly the radio went off the air right before the call and was just static. Then the phone rang.

I wasn't surprised to hear from the doc as he said he would call but when he told me the news I must admit my gut hurt. I wrongly assumed because I had so many things wrong with my bones that God would make sure I never had anything else to deal with, LOL. Wrong! Never try to second guess God.

Anyway I do not think he had a thing to do with this. Hours of happily riding my bike on a nice bright sunny day without wearing sunscreen is whats to blame for this little set back. Gee, I can't be a victim, no one to blame but me myself and I.

It was a gut blow though and then I did the awful never do this if you want to keep your sanity and peace of mind thing and searched the internet. Wow. Horrible photo's of holes in peoples faces from getting the cure. Because the cure is cutting it out. And this stupid thing is on my face!

Now I am no beauty queen so I can't afford any more distractions on my face. Vain? Yes in a way. I work with the public. If this was on any other place on my body I would be Cut it out Doc. Take as much out of this fat ole body that you need. Get this cancer out of me. But...... its on my face. Its on my cheek by my ear. I don't have a lot of fat there. And the facial nerves are frighteningly close under the surface. Just having the little 6 mm one cut out caused me nerve pain for a week and I still am having pain occasionally zipping across my head and right under the incision. Nerve pain sucks. Its painful. And I have ear pain from it. Whaaaaa. I really don't want to deal with it. And in my experience they don't treat pain very well unless your terminal which I am not. They didn't give me a thing except tylenol for that. So I have a sinking feeling I am going to have to deal with it. And I don't want to.

My wrist is going to be hurting and fortunately they will give me pain meds after surgery. So maybe they will help with the other.

Tuesday I see the Dermatologist. That's another thing, See you can tell am just going off in all directions here. I don't know any of these docs. I don't know if they are good. I don't know if they will care what my face looks like afterward. I never deal with them so I don't know. Being a nurse I am in the great position to kind of pick my docs based on the skills I know they have. I don't even know anyone who works for them. I will be in the dark. That doesn't cut it for this nurse. A little control is all I ask. I always felt sorry for patients that had a doc because they didn't know any better. The worse doc in town. Fortunately in my 30 years most of these doc's have been weeded out. Still. Because I know they exist I do think about it.

Bear with me hear as I am still in the reeling stage here. And I have a tendency with my journal to use it like I did my written journal so I write whatever I am feeling at the time.

Another thing that I think about. In my family we all die young. I am considered very old for my family. I made it to 54. This type of cancer seems to be most common in the 70 year old age group. So is it bad that I got it this young or since I am in my twilight years per my family tree right on target. And no one in my family dies of the same thing, except the little cardiomyopathy half the family gets. So this may be my fatal thing. My mom had encephalitis, my gramma died of the flu. My Aunt from COPD. My dad Lung cancer. My grandpa, a farm accident.

Stop it Julie..... Stop. This is just a little thing that will get taken out and you will be fine. I always react this way initially to any crisis. complete freak out and then the dealing with it stage. That comes next I promise. I just have to get past this stage. Did you know they said that these things are like icebergs. Whats under the skin is usually much larger then what come to the top. Like the tip of the iceberg. And is it a bad thing it grew so fast? So tell me your I had this and it was nothing stories to calm me down. And I promise not to google it anymore. OK.

Bad news

Well my Doc just called and my cancer was not the good one. It was squamous cell cancer and the bad news is I don't have clean margins meaning I still have it and will have to have more removed plus it can spread so they have to check the rest of me out. So my tiny little scar that you can barely see is going to be bigger.

Obviously this was a great shock. Never expected this. However. This can be treated very successfully also. I just would have much rather had it be the other type, the basal cell cancer.

You know, I felt stupid going to the doctor for such a small thing. Reactionary even. But now I wish I had gone right away. So ladies and gentlemen, don't ignore those small bumps and lumps.

What does stick in my mind was I was an oncology nurse for 10 years and I did lose an occasional patient to this type of cancer. Usually it was a melanoma though. I still think I caught it quickly and hopefully it hasn't spread. They are making me an appointment to see a dermatologist to get the rest of it removed and to do a mole mapping. Sounds weird huh.

Sigh. I just don't feel up to this right now but you take what you get, right. You just never want to get that cancer diagnoses. And in the back of my mind I was just pretty sure the biopsy report would actually turn out to be just a mole. So. Darn.

2 more days

I have been finding myself getting slightly nervous as my surgery gets closer. You just can't help it. They have to tell you all the potential problems that could remotely happen. You know that it is unlikely but what if? What is they DO nick a nerve and my hand won't work anymore? What if they DO hit my artery and I bleed severely? What if I DO have a reaction to the medication? What if I DO DIE? Now that would suck. Just to get rid of this pain in my wrist.

I slightly rethink about it. Gee, I have lived with this pain for 3 months now steady and 3 years totally. Obviously it isn't going to kill me. Maybe I should just suck it up and live with it longer. It is after all just pain and I am pretty good at living with pain. Of course I can't lift anything over 3 pounds with this wrist, but I have a pretty strong other arm. And I can't do any fine detail work with it. I can't pull with that wrist or carry anything with that hand and the muscles are wasting away making it look like a old ladies hand but...... At least it still works, it still has blood in it. I am still alive. Breathing. A good thing. Maybe I should ......

Nope Julie don't even go there. It was these types of fears and dark thoughts that caused me to cancel this surgery 2 other times already. And my wrist has gotten so much worse. I just wish my doc didn't seem so casual. Is he really going to do the best he can do? Does he even remember what he said he was going to do as I have to remind him from visit to visit what he said last time as he keeps changing it. And I get hives everytime I have surgery. Miserable itchy all over my body hives.

Then there is the rest of it. Have you ever had a huge dressing covering your entire hand on for 5 days. It is really hard to dress. He doesn't even leave one finger out to help you hook you clothes and help pull them up. To take a shower Rick will have to wrap a plastic sack and tape it around my dressing. I will need help just getting my bra on. Of course Rick will help but I don't like feeling like a life sized chunky barbie doll. I want to do it myself. I hate not being able to care for myself. I have been practicing trying to fix my hair. He will have to hold the hair dryer while I use the brush and I used both hands to scrunch up to hair for body also while I dry it. So he will have to learn how to do that. And more personally, hygienically I use my left hand to use my tissue after...... well you know. And I am not ambidextrous that way.

When I used to play pool, and very well I might add, I taught myself to play equally well with both hands because I hated using the bridge. So I will have to just learn to do this. It is only for 5 days until the dressings come off. I can do this. I really have no choice. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?

I got my stitches out of my face yesterday. He did a lovely job. 3 tiny little stitches that the nurse had a heck of a time getting out. Now it just looks like I scratched myself and soon you won't see it at all. I haven't gotten the biopsy report yet but it should be sometime this week. The nurse said they would call. And although I am 90 % sure that is going to be OK it still bothers me just enough to effect my sleeping. Meaning I have only been averaging about 5 hours a night.

I won't be able to use my camera for awhile so we might do a photo drive today if it isn't snowing again. Terrible light lately for shooting. The sky looks just as white and washed out as the snow. Hard to get inspired. And I have to cut my son's hair. Might be awhile before he gets it done. I am the only one he will let cut it. Thrifty man that he has become since he became a home owner.

Oh well prattling on and on again. Lets see, my political rant for today.

Gee I am so glad that I, who am morally opposed to abortion, now get to globally help the entire world get one if they want it. Why can't they just tax the people who have no objections to it for that. Or the ones who voted in the man who wants to pass this law. Why do I have to pay for it. I don't agree with it. I don't want to pay. It's just not fair. It goes against my morals. AARRRGGGHHHHHHH.

There that wasn't so bad was it? Short and sweet and to the point. Well. I am off to read some journals and check out the news. World peace and Love. We are all more alike then the news makes us out to be. And for my friends over the sea. Please don't judge us all by the movies this country puts out. We really aren't all like that at all. Most of us are just honest nice people who just want to raise our families and feel no ill will toward anyone. Most of us can talk without every other word being the F word. We just want to get along. We're nice. Really!

Joke

Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They
head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the
birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of
some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and
says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says He takes a parrot from the bag and
throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."


BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!


Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Lars appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which
he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie
yumping, den Knute parrotshooting . and now Lars, hengliding ..."

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

Sunday Sunday

Today was just a relaxed fun day. I didn't do a single productive thing except make supper. Tonight, split pea soup. One of the things I make that is just really good. I can cook when it is something I like, LOL. As a child I hated split pea soup but all we ever had was from a can. For some reason as an adult I decided to try my hand at it. Yummy. It is definitely comfort food in the winter. First I cook the peas, puree them and then add chunks of ham, potatoes, onions and carrots. Cook it for hours and serve it with corn bread. Heaven.

Weird.... as a child I hated beans. My very strict German grandma would make us veggie jello. With lime beans in a lime jello. She would also make some heavenly smelling brownies. We could not have the brownies until we ate the lime jello with the veggies in them. I never ate one of my gramma's brownies. Stubborn then, stubborn now, LOL. You can't buy me off with food....well maybe now a days. Now as an adult I realize she was just trying to think of our nutrition. As a child I just hated it when she visited. I swore when I had grandchildren I would never make them eat stuff they hated just because it was good for them. I have lived up to that promise. However. I serve stuff that is good for them but tastes good. There is a difference.

We had a fun day today. Rick and I feel really lazy today so we played pogo, a word game and read this morning. Then we delivered something for my son. For his birthday we had a poster of his framed. Some game thing. Grand Thief Auto in huge proportions. Nothing I would want hanging on my wall but for his game room he was thrilled. We were carrying it through Hobby Lobby and people kept looking to see what this huge framed thing was and then their reaction was really funny. I started giggling in the line and couldn't stop thinking about this mans face. so Rick started to laugh and we were quite the pair.

We went out for a drink while our meal was cooking. Our favorite spot is taking Bully Porter off the menu. It will still be in the bottle but it is soooooo good fresh. So while they still have it on tap I got a glass...................Ok I had two glasses. Then back to finish supper and watch a movie.

Thursday can't come soon enough. Not that I can't wait for surgery, but I can't wait to start healing and get this pain past. My wrist hurts sooooo bad. However. My shoulder feels much better since I am not lifting.

Well, time to go. I am going to list some things for my oldest son on ebay. He is the one who got divorced. One of their problems is she has trouble with keeping her word and she chose her father over my son. Not just my opinion by the way. He had always done most of the child rearing and originally they had it set up that they would share custody. But, as usual her father has interfered and she hasn't kept her work so now my son has to hire a lawyer to make sure he gets to see his children like they agreed on. We are so worried because she never was much into raising the children, just liked to show them off but where he lived they have so few fathers rights. So we need to sell some thing to pay for a good lawyer. I like my DIL but she has a problem with keeping her word and her father was such a huge thorn in my son's side. The entire family has a problem with truth.

Gee, that sounds so sour grapes, but it is fact. Sigh, the children are always in the middle. They want to be with my son, but her father would never allow it. I think she would, she doesn't really like raising them, but unfortunately she would never put the children first.

So. Off that subject and onward. We are watching a movie tonight. Wednesday we are going to a talk at the College on a Conservative's Perspective on the New Administration. The speaker is very good and I think it will be very interesting plus it will keep my mind off of my surgery in the morning. It is hard to find a educator that is conservative. Most of them lean far over to the left. This man. I wish I could vote him in office but he doesn't live in this town. Figures.

I have a new blog I have been visiting. He isn't new, but is to me. Check it out if your conservative and think government should not be so in your face. He is so smart I think he would be someone I could really vote for. Check it out. The Black Sphere. If I ever figure out how to link, I will link to him.