How to Start a Fight

  HOW TO START A FIGHT
  One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
 The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
  When she asked me why, I replied,
  "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
  And that's how the fight started.....
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 HOW TO START A FIGHT
  I took my wife to a restaurant.
  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
 He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
 "Nah, she can order for herself."
  And that's when the fight started.....
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 HOW TO START A FIGHT
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
  kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
  I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
  split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
  And then the fight started...
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   HOW TO START A FIGHT
 When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
 that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
 care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
 important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
 When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
  snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
 cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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 HOW TO START A FIGHT
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
 I said, "Dust."
  And then the fight started...
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HOW TO START A FIGHT
  Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
  proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
  50 mph, so I   pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
  weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
 undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
  different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
  My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
  is out fishing in that?"
 And that's how the fight started...
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 HOW TO START A FIGHT
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
 She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
 I bought her a bathroom scale.
  And then the fight started......
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 HOW TO START A FIGHT
 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
   I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
 and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
 processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
 Social Security office...
 She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
   disability, too.'
  And then the fight started...
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HOW TO START A FIGHT

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
  "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
 I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
  I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........